i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
My dick has a subreddit
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
