I wish I only lived at night.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
party gras won. party gras always wins.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
tell me about the eggs
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
