I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
