I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
