I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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