If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
