I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
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