God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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