I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
well most of my day revolves around power hour
mondays should just be called national damage control day
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
