how can u be prego again
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
