My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
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