YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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