He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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