This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I am spending my child support on dildos
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
