You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
