dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize