I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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