I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
