There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
