Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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