i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
