I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Randomize
