We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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