where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
