Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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