My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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