god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
That arnold schwarzeneger picture looks strikingly similar to paul
Not half as good looking as paul
I'd say paul has bigger bicep peaks, but who am I to judge
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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