i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
My ATM looks so different sober.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Randomize