I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Never underestimate the power of titties
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
