I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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