if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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