I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
