Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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