Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
