don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
