I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Randomize
