Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
