She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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