The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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