I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
