the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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