Can i not drive my cunt home
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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