if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
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