She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
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