Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
