He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
