did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
