I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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