if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
