i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
