mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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