i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
