if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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