sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
