it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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