Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Randomize
