I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
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