fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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