he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
