I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
