Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize