can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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